I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
