Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
