My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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