How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
