If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize