well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
