I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
