How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
