Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
