Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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