You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
