i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
