True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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