I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
