I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
