I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
