So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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