I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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