he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
