Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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