We won't sleep together?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
