don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
