Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
