Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
