I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
