someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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