go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
