I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
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If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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