how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
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That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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