I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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