Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
