If that was your dad, he is hot
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
