i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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