you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
