I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
