I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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