just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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