I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
