I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
