my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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