so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
