god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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