someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
