people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are