I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in