moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?