He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
