I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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