i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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