I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
