Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
