You smell like a Billy Joel song
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
