true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
