well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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