Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize