The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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