Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
